Monday, July 16, 2018

What ifs

For the first time in years - since I realized that maybe I had too much stuff and put way too much value on the stuff that I did have - I can see "the end" of a goal in sight. And while this makes me happy on many levels, it also leaves me with a case of the "what ifs."

What if I reach my goal of simplifying to a level that makes me happy - then what? What's next?

What if I reach my goal and discover I'm still not happy with my relationship with my things? What do I do then?

What if I reach my goal only to find myself dissatisfied and wanting to get rid of more?

What if I reach my goal and find that I have so much free time that I don't know what to do with it all?

And on.

And on.

And on.

I've spent so many years and brain cycles thinking about the things I own, being mad at myself for not being able to let go, worrying about the things that I do own and want to keep, worrying about what kind of person I'd be if I didn't have all of these things. Bingeing and purging and bingeing and purging.

While some people might identify themselves through their things, I'm starting to think I've been identifying myself as someone who was perpetually dissatisfied with my things. And without this identity, who will I be?

Without the daily searches through my cupboards for things to get rid of, how will I spend my time?

Without the constant posts on Craiglist to give away or sell my things, how will I experience that "rush" when something leaves my home to go to someone else's?

Without the lists of "to do's" that I constantly revise, what kinds of lists will fill their place?

And without the forever question "what can I get rid of next?" what will I be asking myself?

What if I don't like the question that takes its place?

While I am slightly terrified of all the "what ifs" I am also kind of excited. Because while I think that in many ways I probably will be very much the same person I am today - and will be somewhat disappointed because of that fact - I also think that without the excuse of "stuff" I just might discover something about myself that I've suppressed.

And maybe, just maybe, I should be asking myself - what if an amazing opportunity presents itself because you're not so consumed by your things?

To be continued...

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